The secret to giving perfect gifts is listening to those around you.

For example, my family watched an episode of “the Simpsons,” where the husband, Homer, bought a gift for Marge, his wife: a bowling ball fitted to his hand, with the name, “Homer,” inscribed in it. My wife turned to me and said, “That sounds like something you would do.”

So the following Christmas, I went to Star Lanes and got her a bowling ball that fit my hand, and had “Homer” inscribed in it. I know how to take a hint.

Everyone that we buy for is over 21 now, except my Son Samuel. All of us have all the “stuff” we need. Buying more clutter is more of a nuisance than a blessing. They unwrap it, produce a forced smile, and say, “Oh, how very thoughtful of you.” But they’re thinking, “What the #%&! am I supposed to do with this piece of trash? Now I’ll have to drag it out whenever they come over to pretend I appreciated it.”

An unnamed coworker (Fred) told me once that he likes to give people in his family microwave popcorn. He said he doesn’t know anyone who doesn’t like popcorn, and whether they appreciate it or not, they’re going to enjoy it, and he didn’t have to go into debt to make them happy.

This bit of advice has prompted me to start looking for “consumables” for my loved ones for the last few years. Given the age of my family, I can do all my Christmas shopping in about 20 minutes at the local liquor store. Booze never goes out of fashion in the VanOuse clan. Tobacco is a big winner too. Candy and snacks stuff stockings well.

The Internet opens up vast opportunities for this kind of giving. Many unique treats can be found online. One year, someone in my family ordered lobster tails and filet mignon for everyone online, and it came packed in dry ice, ready to thaw and cook.

The delight in opening presents has more to do with suspense than how much the gifts cost. Give treats that don’t take up any space after they’ve enjoyed them. Goodies are cheap, plentiful, and produce happiness.

Mike VanOuse

Lafayette