I come from a long line of brainiacs who experiment with fireworks by doing things they weren’t intended for. Coffee cans fly really high when you flip them upside down and roll a lit cherry bomb under them. Um, don’t do it on gravel. And you never know where an exploding bottle rocket will go if you break the stick off, light it, and fling it into the air.

Think real hard before you shoot a flare gun at a pile of gasoline-soaked trash about where the flare might go if you miss. Red phosphorus sure starts good fires.

Oxygen/acetylene is for torches, not balloons.

Lighting bottle rockets one at a time gets old. But if you cut a groove down the middle of a board with a circular saw, about a quarter-inch deep, you can fill it with black powder. Drill holes on either side of the groove about an inch apart, and drop the stems down the holes, fuses over the groove. Set the board atop two 5-gallon buckets, and voila: you’re ready to set off a barrage.

I think it’s legal. I’m no lawyer.

The year we tried that, we touched off the powder train and “Foof!” it produced a billowing mushroom cloud of smoke. After a slight hesitation, lights started to flash from within the cloud, and a flurry rockets started whizzing out, leaving trails of twinkling sparks, and popping in the sky. Everyone cheered.

About the 3rd volley, some of the rockets that had warped sticks decided not to fly upward, but rather swerve in the general direction of the crowd. Amid the clamor of people ducking for cover, running for fire extinguishers, and knocking over lawn chairs, some of the women lost their sense of humor.

I don’t know why they insist on being attracted to dangerous men, only to act all aghast when they find themselves in a twinge of peril.

What makes a great fireworks show, is when you get to be the pyrotechnician, and the crowd is relieved that it’s over.

Mike VanOuse
Lafayette